Patience, Young Grasshopper

If you've been reading this blog, glancing at this blog, know me personally, are friends with me in real life or Facebook, or talked to me in the last two years then you know I'm an ESL teacher. If you've been reading this blog, know me personally, are friends with me in real life or Facebook, frequent Cafe Antenna on Monday afternoons, or you're my next door neighbor then you would also know that I'm studying a second language. Being the later has brought in some extreme perspective to being the former. An ESL teacher's job is fun. Seeing communication go beyond words, and watching students finally understand a sentence, a phrase, or hell, even a word makes my job pretty cool. However, it's also so. extremely. frustrating. How HOW can they not understand this?! How can they still not know the word for bathroom? Why won't you ask me questions or tell me you don't understand? Nod your head "yes". Shake your head "no". Why haven't you mastered "I AM, you ARE, he IS" yet?

Now, a lot of my frustration is that these kids (university students) have been studying this language in some form or fashion beginning in elementary school. Also, unlike my students, my language study isn't mandatory. It's for my own purposes: grad school, to communicate when I get there, and yeah sure, fun.

So, nearly everyday my coworkers and I would get together and talk about how slow this process is, and ask the "How can you not get this?!" in exasperated tones.

And then I became one of them. I joined the ranks of blank faces, of pleading eyes that hope to God you won't laugh at me when I try a new sentence, phrase, or hell, even a new word. Learning a new language is one of the fastest ways to feel dumb.

When I was at a South African get together a couple of weeks ago, I was surrounded by the language I'm attempting. Afrikaans was in abundance, and more than once (nearly the whole weekend I feel like) I was approached and asked something in Afrikaans or was included in a conversation completely in Afrikaans. During the conversations, I would stand to the side, look interested, understand about %30 of what was being said, and pray no one would ask me anything. If they laughed, I laughed. If someone asked me a direct question then my friends would give me a second to respond then step in for me. I understood more than I spoke. I was too scared to step out and make a mistake, too embarrassed by my lack of fluency. Simple sentences take time for me. My vocabulary is that of a child, and my pronunciation is so badly American. It made me realize I've got to get my sh*t together before next year when I start applying to schools. I might be ok, but I need to be GOOD.

Throughout the weekend, I felt more and more like my students, scared, embarrassed. I understood what they might be thinking. Even with the constant encouragement I give them, they're still surrounded by their peers who have the ability to laugh at them and make them feel stupid. Well guys, scoot over, give me a name card. Hello, my name is Jennifer and I understand your pain. I understand why you don't speak out in class. I understand why if you speak at all it's barely above a whisper. I understand why it's hard to form sentences, and your attempt to use big words so you seem smarter. I get it! When someone asks me how do I feel I want to say more than, "Ek is moeg." I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted because it was cold in my room last night and I couldn't sleep. But, I can't say that. I don't know how.

Being a language learner has taught me to be a better ESL teacher. Patience. Teach a concept. Practice the concept. Go over the concept. Go over it again. And again. And again. Maybe once more for good measure. Encourage the hell out of the kid. Even if his attempt wasn't that great, say it was. Feeling defeated is the next step to actual defeat. But it's also taught me to not the student slide. Push them. Make them speak aloud in front of their friends. I mix up pronouns too! I say hy when I should say hom. I'm with you. I have this connection with you! We make the same panicked faces when someone speaks to us in a different language. I scream inside my head too.  If you make a mistake then you make a mistake. Get used to that. Native speakers make mistakes too. I could write a book about your/you're, there/their/they're, and the to/too/two mistakes I see on Facebook. Sweet Lord.

Another great way to be a good teacher is to practice what I tell them: have confidence, don't be afraid, practice with your friends, speak up, accept encouragement, believe people when they say you're good! So, I go out and make mistakes because I can't be afraid. I know I'll look stupid and simple forming simple sentences: "Ek is bly dat jou is bly. Ek mis haar. Ek is baie moeg van messing up."

So come on second language students, let's gather together and share the fact that we have degrees, love Medieval Literature and Modern British Poetry, have a decent vocabulary in our mother tongues, or whatever else we need to say to each other to make us feel smart again. It's time to sit criss cross applesauce, spread out the brightly colored picture flashcards so we can learn how to say words like bathroom and animal, and then practice speaking really realllly slowly.
Ons is nie dom nie.