Hartseer. In Afrikaans it means sad or brokenhearted. Regardless of the meaning, it's one of my favorite words in the language just because of the way it's pronounced.
Ek is hartseer. I am brokenhearted, and here is why. I've been extremely blessed throughout my life that I've been able to accomplish most of my dreams. Once I decide on something then I try my best to make it happen. Ok, so maybe getting married at 24 didn't happen. Neither did moving to Ireland. And then there was that time in New Zealand where I wanted to marry a Kiwi and stay forever…
I did say most.
But it turns out that moving to South Africa isn't happening either. It's easiest to tell the reasons why in this ever so efficient timeline.
February 2014: Email the English department in Stellenbosch. Receive a response in three days from the MA coordinator saying to send them a CV and thesis proposal.
May: Receive acceptance from the department. I was then told to apply to the university which, "will just be a formality."
June: Receive an email from the Postgraduate International Office (PGIO) saying to resend the e-transcripts from my undergrad school. They had problems downloading it.
Throughout the next three months I exchanged over 15 emails with the PGIO about the transcript and sent a total of 7 transcripts, each costing $7.75.
August: Finally have a friend at the department intervene, and transcripts are in.
At this point, I've started the study visa process and it is daunting. Much more difficult than my Korean one. They need bank statements. They need proof of financial stability. How much money do you need to have? Can I work as a student? Calls and emails to the embassy were useless as no one could give me a clear answer. Many times their answer was contradictory to what the embassy website stated. When I brought that to their attention their response was usually an extremely frustrating "I'm not sure then." You're not sure if I can work as a student?! I need to know this. I don't have enough saved up for all of my tuition and living expenses for two years.
Every question I had only ended in no answers and more questions. My patience with the country and the university was wearing out. Emails went unanswered. Nobody knew who I should contact for this or that. I needed answers. Soon. I was planning on leaving in 6 months. The wait just to get the FBI fingerprints required for the visa was 8-10 weeks according to their website. The visa was another 6 weeks. Doors were starting to close. Nothing NOTHING was working out. I was wracked with anxiety and doubt. I began to doubt if this was what I was supposed to do. South Africa had been my dream for two years now, but...
I started making backup plans, and my anxiety started to leave.
September: Receive an email from the English dept saying that the PGIO wasn't accepting a degree from my undergrad university. In their eyes it was equivalent only to three years of a degree. I could go and get my Honours first and then enter their MA program. How sweet of them.
The MA coordinator and I were very perplexed by this and he made contact with them to challenge their decision. This had never happened before. My university was accredited by the same people who accredited big name schools in the south AND my undergrad and Stellenbosch have a study abroad exchange partnership. So. Much. Confusion. He was convinced they had made a mistake. One week later I get an email. They didn't make a mistake. He tried to get me to come first and do my Honours and then come to the MA after. He talked it up quite a bit. It meant three years instead of two. I sent my answer.
No.
And I feel strangely ok. Ek is hartseer because South Africa had been on my heart for two years. I had learned Afrikaans, read SA literature, had three news apps on my phone. I knew what was going on in Parliament, I craved their food, and I cheered for the Springboks Rugby team. So when one family member asked me this summer, "Do you even know what's going on in SA right now?" Umm…yeah. I do. I wanted it to be my home for a bit. I wanted to stare at that African sunset again. To do life with my friend Amy who had already started looking at flats for us. I was planning trips to Namibia and reading my way through my thesis reading list. So much of my life was being spent towards this dream. Then, suddenly, it was gone. Doesn't hartseer encapsulate all of this so well?
But with this hartseer there is also vrede. Peace. The Lord has been faithful and made other doors open wide. A law changed in Korea, and now I can stay at my uni one more year without having a masters. I applied and have been accepted to a school in the states, so I'll take online courses until I move home in February 2016 and finish that in December inside a classroom. Now, I get to save up quite a chunk of money, graduate grad school with no debt (who does that?!) and travel some more.
South Africa is always on my heart. It has been since I first went there in 2006. While, there are fears for this next year and this major change, I have peace that God has put me upon this path, that was so different than the one I had planned, for a very good reason. And I will do what I said I would do from the very beginning: I will go where you lead. I will trust. It's all I have. It's all I need.
