Ewww...

Living away from family, friends, and everything that is comfortable really forces a person to examine themselves. When faced with a frustrating situation, how do you handle it? When you're handed a microphone and told to sing or dragged into the middle of a crowd and told to dance, do you shove aside your introverted self and throw down like a k-popper? When men everywhere stare at you and make grunting noises do you flip em' off or walk away as fast as possible?

I've heard it before and I have to agree with the millions of expats who have gone before me: we are not the same when we return home. As humans, we're always changing and evolving. Usually, it comes from growing older and experiencing life as we go along. I feel like for me, and others in a similar state as mine, that it happens much faster for us, as if life happens at a more rapid pace when you live some sort of vagabond life. Stuff that I didn't expect to happen to me happens. I'm thrown into situations all the damn time where I really have to question how it should be handled, and I can't rely on the comfortableness of a shared culture. Even my English speaking friends and I come from different places and the way I respond is strange to them and might (most likely) leave a bad taste in their mouths, where as back home my friends and I would have laughed it off and forgotten about it. It's freaking stressful is what it is.

My relationship with the Lord has been stretched and examined in ways I was hoping for. Before I came I prayed that I would be put through the ringer here. I was in such a stagnant place. Same old same old. I craved a change and a push to experience God in new ways. He's forced me to examine myself over and over. He's pushed/violently shoved me into places where my reaction has made me go, "ewwww". I'm lazy when there's so much to do, important work like stuff, not stuff like washing the sheets. Those can wait till tomorrow. I half do something at work when I'm not used to giving anything less than %100. I react with anger and let my impatient wrath spew all over the helpless villagers.

There are also good changes. I have such a better grasp on my health and a desire to live healthy. I am much more aware of who I am (thanks to all of these strange situations I'm faced with) and happy with the my findings. I'm making plans for the future instead of brushing thoughts away. Although, this weekend when a friend asked what my dream was all I could reply with was to be happy. I don't have much figured out beyond that. I figure I have the basics down though. I find myself running to the Lord instead of a friend when things get really hard. When I need to have a good cry, I find myself crying to him. It's absolutely wonderful. Not beautiful though. I'm so not a pretty cryer.

There are other changes that I'm not sure if they're good or bad. A situation arose recently in which someone shared an opinion on a controversial subject and my thoughts differed so incredibly much that I was concerned that if I shared my opinion I could irreversibly harm the friendship. It was a topic that I felt was important, but I didn't know if it was more important than the friendship. Old Jennifer would have let the person have it. Opinion given, whether you asked for it or not. An opinion so scathing that it wouldn't just singe your eyebrows. Oh no, it would have melted your damn eyeballs out of their sockets. New Jennifer held back and quickly processed what was more important. The friendship. I'm sure the topic will come up again and I won't be able to withhold how I feel about it, but I hope to do so without any melting taking place.

I only have three months left in Korea before I head home and give my family and friends New Jennifer, wrapped up a bit better than when she left, I believe. I was a freaking mess when I left. My fear is if we all will be able to deal with it, or will we all go-ewwwwww. My accent is weird. I was mistaken for a New Zealander this weekend, and sometimes my "a's" sound all British. I can't really stomach western food anymore. The bathroom at What The Book bookstore knows this all too well, as I puked up an entire western style breakfast yesterday. What's going to happen when I really want Chik fil a?! When handed a microphone I'll probably still refuse, but will break it down in front of crowd if asked. I'll refrain from flipping off the men who stare with a sickening lustful look in their eyes and walk quickly by. If we were in the States, though dude, consider yourself lucky if I don't dent your unborn children.

Ewww indeed.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck